Block and Roll

Road blocks. Writer's blocks. Blocked bodies, blocked minds and blocked hearts. Have you ever felt that way? I have. It's been a long winter. What those two years of being isolated can do right? Or has it been three? It seems very long and all of a sudden it is all different and we have to catch up again. We have to give it another try to be social. And that after two years of being told to be alone and stay alone, I somehow developed even more anxiety towards people. Always second guessing myself if I should reach out to people, feeling like a burden to them and somehow also scared of rejection. Or maybe is this mid life crisis? Somehow I don't really know. 

And though it seems like it's hard and heavy emotions and I am also scared to open up, I just know I have to get rid of the blocks. It does not serve me. I know if I continue like this I will just end up angry and traumatised and in effect also traumatising those around me. What an ugly world would that be. Like they say, 'I realised I cannot change the world, so instead I change myself'. One small step for me, one tiny step, one small voice and one smile.  Somehow I still believe that by being that change, I can make a difference. Maybe just to one person, maybe to more. Maybe the result does not matter. It matters most that I try and I do the good that I can, however blocked I may feel.

And yet we see a lot of grief nowadays we also see hopes, families are back meeting each other, the smiles and the warm embraces that somehow helps breaks the tension that has been built these pandemic years. I say we keep hugging it out! I have a big deficiency in hugs these past years. Of course we do not forget the lessons we learned. We learn to choose better. We learn to find ways to communicate and we try to understand a bit better. Give a bit more space for understanding because frankly everyone is so stressed and we do not really need to add to that. See what a smile can do. or a kind word or random acts of kindness. 

And the kindness also translates to ourselves. We gotta be kindest to ourselves. Hug our inner child. Mine has been weeping for a while. She's scared to go out in the world again and yet she misses her friends and she wants to be able to play again, play and fly and dream and make these crazy dreams real. What does a girl need right? Play time in the park, getting sand filled shoes, ice cream, pizza, talking endlessly about random things, a good advice from a great sister, sun in her hair and dirt all over her, laughter and giggles and running. What more can she wish for? For that moment nothing else of these fear and anxiety matters. The blocks loosen. And yes there is more to work on. But the movement has started. 

So let's loosen up the blocks a bit more. Let's roll to Australia and the Philippines. Go with the flow and roll with the punches. I'm excited to see my family back. And yes though it may have brought a lot of stress organising such a trip in a short period of time, my mom and dad's hugs and seeing my brothers again will make it all worth it. I will claim three years of hugs and family time. And yes we will probably be bickering after day 3 but that's what family is for right? Modern families and modern communications. 

In person classes are then paused for now. Online classes are in a funny set up while I figure out the time differences and the availabilities. I apologise for the inconvenience but I am sure you understand right? ;) I will be back in Antwerp soon enough with big hopes and big dreams and big energy. I'll see you in July! And we will keep rolling! 

Love always,
​J