Tiny Cracks

Ola! How are you guys doing? It's almost the end of August and soon it's gonna be September, how time can fly right? I think around this time last year I was getting anxious at the thought that it was time to go to India again, to apply for Sharath. I got anxious at not getting in, I got anxious at getting in as well. I wanted to be there but I know going to India always meant jobless for 3 months, mostly it was money going out and not knowing what is next after that. But that's life right? We sometimes have to take these jumps and just not think and just go. We learn to swim or fly when we need to. And this year no Sharath or India and at the same time that I will miss it, there is also a bit of a relief that I do not need to be there. It is not a possibility. I know there will be another year for it. It's been 3 years after each other that I got out of the winter in Europe and this year I get to stay and enjoy the winter time here and spend it with the love ones here. And for some people winter can be depressing with short and very cold days but as someone who grew up in a tropical country, I always have such a curiousity and love for the cold. 

I can also travel in Europe and study with Luke who is open in September, but yes, I will skip that one for this year too. I am a creature of habit and I need to be prepared a bit to go in study trips. I need mental preparation to go somewhere. Of course just packing the bags and leaving will always be an option, but my analytical side likes to think and rethink of all the possibilities, shall we say being ready in my mind. And I guess this year I am not mentally ready to go in trips. I know I sound so rigid right? I love the spontaneity in things but at this time, it helps me to be same, constant. I feel like that there are so many changes around me that I just need to sit this out for now.

Somehow that gives me stability at this time. I know I will be here for a while, I can work on my projects, I can learn and relearn new things, I can save for things in the future and I can enjoy what I have. Count my blessings. Sometimes I know that I am always looking for the next event that I kind of forget how special the moments are now. But yeah things like this makes me appreciate the things I was able to do earlier. So yes mixed emotions. 

Little cracks, I don't know about you, but when I practice, everything cracks, not everything at the same time but there are some movements that causes certain cracks, and if it is a new crack sometimes it is surprising and there are also those streches that I know will make cracks and I look for it, and wait until it cracks, because at the same time that it is a bit weird that it cracks, there is also some relief in the cracking. It somehow feels the muscles are relaxing and the parts of the body are shifting. Always sore right? And the further I go to the practice, the more sore I get. And I know I also do not need to get so deep in the practice. I find joy in the simple practice, but also at the same time, the quest for the study and to understand this method and this body and this mind is very interesting to me. Let's say I'm a very eager student.

But not that eager, if you think I wake up and get on my mat right away, this is not the truth. It takes me a while to get there, and there is always this mental monologue if I want to go on the mat, and yes you might think that me being so regular, might win this easy. Answer is no. I struggle with it, there are days I want to stay in bed, there are days I think I am too stiff, too tired, too whatever, it doesn't matter what. My mind and body does fight on going to the mat. But we all end up there in the end because I am also hard headed. And standing there in the mat, even then my mind tries of making excuses why not today. I raise my hands and surrender to whatever it is during that practice. And no, it doesn't end there, there are points in the practice where I get distracted and want to stop. I try to concentrate on just the breathing, one inhale, one movement, one exhale, one movement. I tell myself I can quit anytime. But why quit now. And everyday I learn something. Another day in the bag. Tomorrow, we deal with that another day.

I hope you are all staying and keeping well and happy. My program stays available online and do drop me a mail or a message if you have any questions. I like hearing from you. Do you have questions about the practice? Do you want to practice together? Let me know. I like sharing with you.

Be well and happy and find this small cracks of opening.

Love always,
<3 J